we have pet lesbian snakes
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
