so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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