i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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