Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
