I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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