Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
