please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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