If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
