I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
honey bunches of taint.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
