Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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