Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
