I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
