I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
