Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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