I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
