Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
