Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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