I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
