I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
