So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
