We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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