your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
