At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
