Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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