i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
