nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He has the fingertips of a God
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
