btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
