the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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