I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
