it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
