take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
