you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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