Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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