I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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