Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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