is your mom at the bar?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
