I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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