A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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