I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
