More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
