Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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