Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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