can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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