Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
