I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
