so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
