I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
