Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
