I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
