i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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