I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
