You smell like stripper and shame
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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